The Hurt

I'm so hurt by Marc-Antony's actions... in regards to his "wandering eye."

I guess it is I that needs help.
I don't want to end up in a relationship similar to my parents', where my dad is constantly checking out other women and my mom just sadly goes through life with a low self-esteem about herself!

I already have a pretty low self-esteem from years of my father putting me down and making me feel like I'm nothing. Then, to see the kinds of people Marc-Antony is checking out and knowing of his past relationships, it makes me feel like I am nothing.

I feel like nobody wants to be with me. Nobody wants to be with the smart girl. The girl who dresses and acts proper.
Everyone wants the slutty, "chimbo" (cheap bimbo).

And it hurts me more when Marc-Antony asks me to dress provocatively, in ways that I don't like because I feel that it disrespects me and my being. Why can't I dress classy and elegant? I don't want to be a "chimbo" and I don't want him to want a "chimbo"... I want him to want me! But, he feels that it's fine because lots of other girls dress that way or he would like me to dress that way... And then I wonder, do you even want to be with me?

Maybe I'm settling.

I've always thought sometimes I'm just settling for him and then once I meet the "better" person, I will leave him because I want to leave instead of be left.

But, when I'm really happy and in love, I don't think those thoughts--it's only when I'm feeling depressed and low. When I'm truly happy and in love, I think positively about the life I want us to lead... living in a nice abode with a lovely balcony, being featured as "the couple to be and to know" in Vogue, traveling to Paris and NYC (among other cities), both of us having rewarding careers that we love, both of us sharing [emotionally and physically] our days and spending time with one another, etc.

I feel like I'm the only one who is involved in trying to improve this relationship and I'm stuck as well as tired.

He doesn't call me as much as I call him. He doesn't love me as much as I love him. He doesn't try to see me as much as I go to see him.

This is how I feel.

I feel depressed.